How far I have travelled.

Earlier today:

1.   I was driving a friend to work.

2.   They said I was driving too fast and yelled at me to slow down.

3.   I yelled back (I am very sensitive to being told what to do because it reminds me of my parents. I feel wrong/inferior).

4.   Parked.

5.   Left them and headed home.

6.   Vented internally.

7.   Vented some more on the bus.

8.   Waited for them to message me and apologise (I was taking the moral high ground).

9.   Considered what kind of arsy response I would give in return. Should I accept the apology gracefully or not?

10.               Probed deeper to discover the reason stated in 3 above. No major revelation there.

11.               Closed my eyes. Took some deep breaths (thanks Susan!)

12.               Thought that having a bad start to their day was no excuse to yell at me.

13.               Breathed.

14.               Realised that, in turn, I yelled at them. Them yelling at me isn’t an excuse for me to yell at them! (shock and embarrassment).

15.               Realised that therefore in conclusion I should send an apology to them.

16.               Procrastinated over sending said message. Is this “giving in” and admitting I’m wrong?

17.               Overcame the silly notion in 16.

18.               Sent the message apologising for yelling and explained reason as per number 3.

19.               Breathed.

20.               Left the bus feeling better but still a little ruffled from the experience.

21.               Went to see the local nurse for my 2^nd to last injection in the posterior (ouch!).

22.               Observed patients waiting for the doctor complain to her and ask for her help – for the third day in a row.

23.               Observed her, for the third day in a row, explain that she’s a nurse. What do they expect her to do?!

24.               Follow her to the emergency room where she jabs me. She’s huffing and muttering to no-one in particular all the way there. Clearly frustrated.

25.               I try my general charming banter with “How are you?” blah blah to try to relax her.

26.               She automatically replies with the standard responses but is cooling a little as I asked her this yesterday too. I’m sure not too many people ask how her day is going.

27.               <The breakthrough> She asks what I’m doing in Turkey. This starts an entire conversation which completely relaxes her.

28.               We are laughing together at the end.

29.               I leave and walk home feeling like the king of the universe!

30.               Along the way I see a mother and daughter walking down the hill in the opposite direction.

31.               I smile at the daughter who positively glows back at me (usually children here seem scared of me).

32.               I giggle in joy at her marvellous smile.

33.               Mother looks at me with a strange expression on her face. What happened?

34.               I get home and consider how much my mood changed from the start of the day to now.

35.               I realise how scary it is that I actually -can- be in control of my life (just like the psychology books say).

36.               I appreciate how far I’ve come to be able to go through these steps and what’s more – write it down and share it.