Self-esteem

noun

self-respect, pride, dignity, self-regard, faith in oneself; morale, self-confidence, confidence, self-assurance.

What is it? Can we define it really? What would you say it is? How does it manifest - in you; in others?

Is it the root of most of our troubles?

Personally I prefer the term "Self-worth" because for me it incorporates the concept of value. Do you value yourself? Are you valuable? [to whom?]

"To truly love someone first you must learn to love yourself"

Is it something we can learn? If so, how?

I think it's fair to say that most of us can explain how self-worth is eroded. Not so easy for me is to explain how it is built up.

A friend recently said "It is easier to build up a child than repair an adult. Choose your words carefully."

I've been to a number of courses on related topics and at a follow-up seminar to the most recent one we discussed the power of "word". Not "words" but "word". It's a bit complex to explain and to be honest I can't recall the precise reason for the difference but in essence I believe they were referring to the fact that, in life, people are generally unaware of the potential impact of what comes out of our mouths.

I have to confess that if I thought before I spoke I'd be using a completely different set of vocabulary than the one I do use. It might be more appropriate to say, if I calmed down before I vented…. 

I do try. It's just that sometimes I feel that I'm continually trying to understand the other persons viewpoint or empathise with their situation. And when I've done this for the 27th time I get frustrated and explode. Is it tied to self-worth?

I have a friend who at the slightest hint of someone saying an untrue word about them immediately corrects them. My friend does it in an assertive way and not an aggressive one, and when I first observed this practice I was taken-aback. Upon further observation and consideration I noticed that she seemed very confident and almost righteous in her protection of her persona. To put it another way - she seemed happier than I and to value herself more.

It's easy I guess to jump on the bandwagon and say "I suffer from low self-esteem", "I am often depressed", etc and some people will criticise you for doing this. I on the other hand think that "where there's smoke, there's fire". A person who values themselves would hardly run about saying they suffer from low self-esteem. I just doesn't make any sense.

Sure they are seeking attention, empathy, or more likely, sympathy. Isn't that human nature?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not supporting the idea of constant moaning about one's predicament without some form of action to attempt to rectify the problem. In fact my mother had a good example of this.

Mum had a longer life than expected of someone with LUPUS and a lot of her time was devoted to helping others with a similar condition. Due to her longer experience of this and related diseases she was able to offer a perspective that others couldn't.

I'm not aware of how she helped or what she said but I do know through her work on a telephone helpline that she knew well the different between empathy and sympathy.

What she found, particularly with online support forums, was that people wanted to go on, ad infinitum, about their problems in the expectation that others would say how sorry they felt for them and that they had a s**t life.

She got tired of the disabling language used in posts and replies that she eventually stopped reading and contributing.

I notice myself doing what she didn't like and that is when I meet with my friends I'm often relating to them the latest thing that isn't going quite as I want it to in my life. Even being aware of this issue and trying to avoid these topics I find they still manage to sneak their way into the conversation.

This makes me think of another oft espoused phrase that goes something like: "Surround yourself with people who support, encourage, and love you (for being you)."

I'm happy to admit that I am learning to spend less time with people that "drag me down" and am much faster at culling time wasters.

Brian Tracy would say that my "Law of attraction" is working perfectly in that I'm attracting people who reflect my uppermost thoughts and expressions.

Over my life I've often wondered where these supporting people are. I've often reflected what a wonderful situation it would be to be in if people encouraged me to pursue my goals. I worked with such a woman in New Zealand for a while. Hearing "Good for you!" did wonders to my self-worth.

Another phrase that comes to mind goes a little like this: "There are 3 kinds of people. Those who talk about people. Those who talk about things. And those who talk about ideas." The implication is that the latter group is the best one to be a part of. Be a creationist.

Just yesterday my American flatmate Naropa, Scottish friend Hazel, and I were talking about cultural differences between Turkey, China, and our own. Even with all three of us having travelled to a fair number of countries it was still surprising to hear, in some ways, just how diverse they were. I've come to accept that perspectives can be hugely different depending on your background, parenting, and culture etc., but I often forget.

A case-in-point, and to me a fascinating one, was when Naropa told us about his strange experiences in China seeing people walking onto the street without looking to see if there was any traffic first. And that it wasn't uncommon to see people being hit by traffic. Now to you (I'm assuming) and I that sounds incredible. 

When he asked a local person for an explanation they surmised that the reason was that said pedestrian simply didn't value their lives enough to bother looking.

Whist on one-side I can at least process that notion; on the other side I find it hard to swallow as it laughs in the face of the concept of "self preservation" - our inbuilt instinct to stay alive. If we didn't have this then extreme sports/activities would be common place - jumping from a planes at 30,000 feet, skiing off 80 foot sheer walls,  and human cannonballing would be olympic sports.

I find myself sitting here, having rambled on about the issue, thinking "Where were my comments on the solution?".

If I had the answer to this question I'd be a very rich man.

For me the concept of "fixing my self-worth" is akin to "stopping all wars" - it's a tad on the insurmountable side. So what to do?

My inner guru tells me that I should break this down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Bite-size objectives if you like. 

If I think in these terms I find it easier to look first at how low self-worth manifests itself. What impact does it have on my day-to-day life? That's a lot simpler for me to answer.

Here's but a few examples:

- not going to the doctor when I'm sick

- not changing home when I'm dissatisfied with the one I'm in

- not changing job when the one I have makes me unhappy

- accepting being treated poorly

Essentially I whip-up a list of reasons to maintain the status quo. Laziness factors into this too in no-small way.

Then I think - how can I solve these problems? The answer to me is quite apparent and that is: act. Do something, take some action, move forwards.

I find that even taking the first step does wonders for my well-being. It gives me the feeling of control over my circumstances rather than feeling a victim of them.

And yet..

I can tell you that right now there are at least 5 things I've been procrastinating about for periods ranging from days to months to even years.

So I'm back to square-one aren't it? Why aren't I taking action?

And then I think…

Well, realistically, I don't have an answer for that question and may never have one. So rather than try to find one buried deep in my psyche why not just grab one of them and damn well do it (I find anger a great motivator).

Usually once I've hit this stage in the process I find I have one of those epic days whereby 5 of those difficult tasks are completed in the same day. You can imagine the feeling of achievement...

So let's really break it all down. Let's take one task. One thing. Surely that's manageable right?

One thing I've been sitting on for a while is calling the hospital to arrange an appointment. To be precise: 2 months.

Problem: I need an appointment. Issue: if I valued my health enough I'd have made one yesterday. Justification: I may have to speak in a foreign language that I'm not so familiar with and make an arse of myself or fail to make the appointment. Finer issue: fear?

Question: does it matter why I'm not acting? My answer: actually no, it doesn't.

Question: does it matter that I do something? Answer: Yes.

Question: how can I ensure I do it? Answer: tell the world I have this issue and then look like an even greater idiot if I don't do it.

Question: is it a positive method of resolution? Answer: No.

Question: does it matter? Answer: No.

Question: am I going to do something RIGHT NOW? Answer: depends on if the internet comes back up and I actually post this. (smiles to himself).

Small aside - time taken to write this: 2 hours; potential time taken to make said telephone call: 15 mins? Thought: monkeys are more intelligent than humans.