Wow! ...powerful

I had a dream...

As is often the way, I was "tinkering" (on the internet) until 2am this morning. Just before I woke up around 6am I was having this powerful dream.

Before I start I'd like to mention how exceptional this is - that I was having a dream. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but for the life of me I cannot find a previous post on it so I'll repeat myself.

It's exceptional because I only have nightmares. That is to say, I only have scary dreams. I put it down to my medication but it could be for any reason. Whilst generally it's pretty unpleasant there is the odd one that I think would make an awesome movie - reason being (Tureng'de değil) is that they are so vivid and, to my mind, unique. The best part being that you have no idea where they are going.

And so the drought has been broken. It's been so long that I cannot remember the last time I had a "dream" - we are talking years not months.

As usual there was no introduction, warm-up or start. I entered my personal theatre mid-way through.


I was standing in the middle of a road. I was near an intersection and the road was presumably in the desert as there was an absence of people and objects.

Coming towards me and passing me on either side were flat-deck trucks. On the decks were people in what I can best describe as army/jungle style hammocks. They were a dull green in colour with cords at the four corners to tie them up.

The hammocks were stacked one on top of the other much like you would find on a sailing ship but with more space in between. I don't know how high they were stacked but I got the feeling that it was at least 3 high.

That being said only the ones on the first level were of interest. I had assumed that they had been placed within my reach because of their importance and so wasn't concerned that I couldn't see into or touch the others.

On each hammock lay or sat a person or persons. I didn't know all of them by name but there was an implication that I did know them or had interacted with them in some way.

In my right hand I held a collection of hacksaw blades. At different times it might be 3 or 4, and others 12-15. In each case they were lined up together with the idea that this increased my ability to cut the ties holding the hammocks up.

Sometimes the blades were only one third of their full length. Mostly they were well used and fading in cutting power through my persistent use.

What this meant was that although I'd be feverishly hacking away at the straps I wouldn't always be able to free the passenger within. You see, each person was helpless - whether through death or the dream's paralysis depended on each persons situation.

However, none were corpses. They were all "alive" and although not able to talk they could smile or acknowledge me in some other way.

So here I am on this road with three streams of trucks converging at the intersection and slowly progressing passed me.

I had the notion that this was a review of my life. Furthermore it only strikes me now as I write that it could have been former lives as well. You'll understand why as you read on.

In actual fact I wasn't aware of any cab or driver, I just presumed this was the method of transport as it lined-up best with how the people and hammocks were presented to me albeit that they were at a low enough level for me to reach. The whys and wherefores weren't important to me.

And so, to the people. As I mentioned they were from my past and I didn't recall knowing them even though they sometimes acknowledged me with a smile , some other facial expression or even a plea to be acknowledged themselves or indeed be the ones chosen to be cut down from their hammock.

Their pleas went unanswered. It was clear to me who I wanted to release. Some I released without mentally being aware of who it was. I simply cut away at the straps and freed them. 

Sometimes there was a breather between cutting - at times I simply watched the passers-by. This was most commonly when I was trying to make a connection with the people by trying to figure out if they were really from my past or simply my imagination. At one stage I convinced myself that it was my imagination as the implied experiences simply haven't happened in this lifetime. That's how I got the notion that maybe it wasn't just this lifetime. I'm not sure I believe in previous lives but to anyone who doubts such ideas, including myself, I say "Prove me wrong".

At other times I would be desperately conscious of the fact that the trucks never stopped and whilst I could move a small margin up and down the line of trucks I didn't want to stay with one for too long a time in the fear of missing something important coming after. So I had to abandon some people. These cases were solely people I didn't immediately recognise but knew I should cut down.

Upon waking there were eight people I remember by name. Some I had a strong connection with. One, however, is a mystery as to why he was there and I've tried to provide some reasoning for this but with no certainty to it.

I wasn't aware of what people were wearing nor if the colours of their clothes were bright or dark. They were simply on the hammocks and that's all that mattered.

There were two groups of people who weren't there physically but were in a sense watching over me (Tureng'de değil) or a part of me.

I was aware that my mother, father, and grandmother were looking down upon me. The strongest feelings came from the women folk and I was aware that they were smiling. Hardly surprising that they featured more than my father as they played the larger part in my upbringing.

In the second group was K & N. They are the two friends I have known the longest time. Both over 20 years but no longer than 25 years (give or take the odd year).

[Interlude: I have a sore throat at the moment and got up to get my drink. In doing so I looked at Çörek our flat cat and it struck me that I've always thought of her as Turkish. Not only that but that she only understands Turkish and therefore that I've been relying on her understanding my tone of voice and not the words I've been saying. Ha! - funny]

As with my family, all of whom are no longer on this Earth, I only had an awareness of K & N. This awareness was of me mentally standing on their shoulders. They each stood under one side of me and were my "pillars of strength". I understood that they both cared for me and my wellbeing. This was an important realisation as I've recently been going through an unusually protracted "blue" phase and been playing with the idea that no-one cares...

Returning to the hammock dwellers - in this party there were three that post dream I remembered.

Two were ex-girlfriends and one was also a work colleague. The feelings I emoted towards them were different nevertheless. 

To S I simply smiled at her in a warm way and we both felt a peace in that experience. There was no upsurge of emotion but rather a calmness that fell over us both.

In contrast, when I looked a Z I felt a swelling of excitement come from within. Perhaps because I haven't seen her in a long time. In addition, neither of them were lying down. With S I was aware of her upper torso and with Z I knew that she was fully standing up.

The third and final person I recall releasing was D. He was the surprise entrant in that he was a childhood figure. He was part of the school First XV (the top rugby team at school) which put him into a different and more public click than me. Also, apart from a very small connection via a friend and basketball we really spent no time together at all.

My feeling towards him and theory on why I cut him down was one of reconciliation - with myself. I came to understand that he was a good guy and deserved to be free. This would perhaps be in connection to my jealousy that he was successful, confident and known at school - all my perceptions of course.

I wonder what a dream analyser might make of it all...

Oh! I almost forgot to mention an important thread throughout the "movie". Actually two things now that my mind is clearing.

One - there were hordes of deceased soldiers passing by. They knew me although I couldn't reciprocate. And I had the feeling that in some way I was a hero to them - that I had personally helped each of them. Interestingly it's something I've always wanted to be - someone's hero.

Two - towards the end of the procession I got the feeling that there was a second theme to the show and that was that I was somehow walking through a line of my ex-girlfriends.

Of great note was that I also felt that it was chronological and that at the end would be revealed my life-partner.

To my initial disappointment the show ended before we got there and no matter how hard I tried to re-enter the dream reality crept in.

In the end I accepted this with grace as, after all, I'm a Sagitarian and we like to hunt out what is round the next corner - not to have it revealed to us beforehand!