Self-esteem

noun

self-respect, pride, dignity, self-regard, faith in oneself; morale, self-confidence, confidence, self-assurance.

What is it? Can we define it really? What would you say it is? How does it manifest - in you; in others?

Is it the root of most of our troubles?

Personally I prefer the term "Self-worth" because for me it incorporates the concept of value. Do you value yourself? Are you valuable? [to whom?]

"To truly love someone first you must learn to love yourself"

Is it something we can learn? If so, how?

I think it's fair to say that most of us can explain how self-worth is eroded. Not so easy for me is to explain how it is built up.

A friend recently said "It is easier to build up a child than repair an adult. Choose your words carefully."

I've been to a number of courses on related topics and at a follow-up seminar to the most recent one we discussed the power of "word". Not "words" but "word". It's a bit complex to explain and to be honest I can't recall the precise reason for the difference but in essence I believe they were referring to the fact that, in life, people are generally unaware of the potential impact of what comes out of our mouths.

I have to confess that if I thought before I spoke I'd be using a completely different set of vocabulary than the one I do use. It might be more appropriate to say, if I calmed down before I vented…. 

I do try. It's just that sometimes I feel that I'm continually trying to understand the other persons viewpoint or empathise with their situation. And when I've done this for the 27th time I get frustrated and explode. Is it tied to self-worth?

I have a friend who at the slightest hint of someone saying an untrue word about them immediately corrects them. My friend does it in an assertive way and not an aggressive one, and when I first observed this practice I was taken-aback. Upon further observation and consideration I noticed that she seemed very confident and almost righteous in her protection of her persona. To put it another way - she seemed happier than I and to value herself more.

It's easy I guess to jump on the bandwagon and say "I suffer from low self-esteem", "I am often depressed", etc and some people will criticise you for doing this. I on the other hand think that "where there's smoke, there's fire". A person who values themselves would hardly run about saying they suffer from low self-esteem. I just doesn't make any sense.

Sure they are seeking attention, empathy, or more likely, sympathy. Isn't that human nature?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not supporting the idea of constant moaning about one's predicament without some form of action to attempt to rectify the problem. In fact my mother had a good example of this.

Mum had a longer life than expected of someone with LUPUS and a lot of her time was devoted to helping others with a similar condition. Due to her longer experience of this and related diseases she was able to offer a perspective that others couldn't.

I'm not aware of how she helped or what she said but I do know through her work on a telephone helpline that she knew well the different between empathy and sympathy.

What she found, particularly with online support forums, was that people wanted to go on, ad infinitum, about their problems in the expectation that others would say how sorry they felt for them and that they had a s**t life.

She got tired of the disabling language used in posts and replies that she eventually stopped reading and contributing.

I notice myself doing what she didn't like and that is when I meet with my friends I'm often relating to them the latest thing that isn't going quite as I want it to in my life. Even being aware of this issue and trying to avoid these topics I find they still manage to sneak their way into the conversation.

This makes me think of another oft espoused phrase that goes something like: "Surround yourself with people who support, encourage, and love you (for being you)."

I'm happy to admit that I am learning to spend less time with people that "drag me down" and am much faster at culling time wasters.

Brian Tracy would say that my "Law of attraction" is working perfectly in that I'm attracting people who reflect my uppermost thoughts and expressions.

Over my life I've often wondered where these supporting people are. I've often reflected what a wonderful situation it would be to be in if people encouraged me to pursue my goals. I worked with such a woman in New Zealand for a while. Hearing "Good for you!" did wonders to my self-worth.

Another phrase that comes to mind goes a little like this: "There are 3 kinds of people. Those who talk about people. Those who talk about things. And those who talk about ideas." The implication is that the latter group is the best one to be a part of. Be a creationist.

Just yesterday my American flatmate Naropa, Scottish friend Hazel, and I were talking about cultural differences between Turkey, China, and our own. Even with all three of us having travelled to a fair number of countries it was still surprising to hear, in some ways, just how diverse they were. I've come to accept that perspectives can be hugely different depending on your background, parenting, and culture etc., but I often forget.

A case-in-point, and to me a fascinating one, was when Naropa told us about his strange experiences in China seeing people walking onto the street without looking to see if there was any traffic first. And that it wasn't uncommon to see people being hit by traffic. Now to you (I'm assuming) and I that sounds incredible. 

When he asked a local person for an explanation they surmised that the reason was that said pedestrian simply didn't value their lives enough to bother looking.

Whist on one-side I can at least process that notion; on the other side I find it hard to swallow as it laughs in the face of the concept of "self preservation" - our inbuilt instinct to stay alive. If we didn't have this then extreme sports/activities would be common place - jumping from a planes at 30,000 feet, skiing off 80 foot sheer walls,  and human cannonballing would be olympic sports.

I find myself sitting here, having rambled on about the issue, thinking "Where were my comments on the solution?".

If I had the answer to this question I'd be a very rich man.

For me the concept of "fixing my self-worth" is akin to "stopping all wars" - it's a tad on the insurmountable side. So what to do?

My inner guru tells me that I should break this down into smaller, more manageable chunks. Bite-size objectives if you like. 

If I think in these terms I find it easier to look first at how low self-worth manifests itself. What impact does it have on my day-to-day life? That's a lot simpler for me to answer.

Here's but a few examples:

- not going to the doctor when I'm sick

- not changing home when I'm dissatisfied with the one I'm in

- not changing job when the one I have makes me unhappy

- accepting being treated poorly

Essentially I whip-up a list of reasons to maintain the status quo. Laziness factors into this too in no-small way.

Then I think - how can I solve these problems? The answer to me is quite apparent and that is: act. Do something, take some action, move forwards.

I find that even taking the first step does wonders for my well-being. It gives me the feeling of control over my circumstances rather than feeling a victim of them.

And yet..

I can tell you that right now there are at least 5 things I've been procrastinating about for periods ranging from days to months to even years.

So I'm back to square-one aren't it? Why aren't I taking action?

And then I think…

Well, realistically, I don't have an answer for that question and may never have one. So rather than try to find one buried deep in my psyche why not just grab one of them and damn well do it (I find anger a great motivator).

Usually once I've hit this stage in the process I find I have one of those epic days whereby 5 of those difficult tasks are completed in the same day. You can imagine the feeling of achievement...

So let's really break it all down. Let's take one task. One thing. Surely that's manageable right?

One thing I've been sitting on for a while is calling the hospital to arrange an appointment. To be precise: 2 months.

Problem: I need an appointment. Issue: if I valued my health enough I'd have made one yesterday. Justification: I may have to speak in a foreign language that I'm not so familiar with and make an arse of myself or fail to make the appointment. Finer issue: fear?

Question: does it matter why I'm not acting? My answer: actually no, it doesn't.

Question: does it matter that I do something? Answer: Yes.

Question: how can I ensure I do it? Answer: tell the world I have this issue and then look like an even greater idiot if I don't do it.

Question: is it a positive method of resolution? Answer: No.

Question: does it matter? Answer: No.

Question: am I going to do something RIGHT NOW? Answer: depends on if the internet comes back up and I actually post this. (smiles to himself).

Small aside - time taken to write this: 2 hours; potential time taken to make said telephone call: 15 mins? Thought: monkeys are more intelligent than humans.

Sons of the Conquerors

a collection of snippets from a book of the same name by Hugh Pope.

Better to follow a wolf for a day than a mouse for a hundred.
- a Turkish proverb used as a reference to the Uygurs in China.

"Back then [1970's], we believed we had to start setting the world to rights with jihad ±. Now we believe it has to start with diplomacy. ... The problem is bigotry, by which I mean people who believe in something without knowing why. And the biggest bigots are the secularists *. Only education will save us."
- Boğa, a 10th generation descendant inhabitant of Konya, and a direct descendant of Mohammed.

I carry two worlds within me
But neither one is whole
They're constantly bleeding
The border runs
Right through my tongue
 - Zafer Şenocak
- introduction to the chapter on Euro-Turks. I think this equally applies to Turks living in their homeland today.

"You have to be strong. And you have to have two hearts."
- a Dutch Turk referring to his two wifes.

The imam § would tell his young listeners to hold their hands near the fire, so they could know how hot it would be in hell.

"I've become less religious in Turkey [than the Netherlands]. I sin so much. I'm so afraid my plane home will crash because of that."
- Euro Turk Ekiz (female)

"I have never seen an Uzbek person of good manners indulge in immoderate laughter."
- the traveller Vámbéry

70% want to choose their own spouses, most want marriage in their mid-20s, 90% of women and 77% of men will practice birth control, and more than 57% want two children or less.
- 1998 survey of Turkish youth

[Historically] until a couple succeed in having a child, they continue to be seen as a cash machine for the other [members of the extended family].

I gradually built up my own, unscientific composite of frequent Turkic qualities. Among them I would count an engaging bluntness, loyalty to the family, fearlessness and a rash love of risk. To these, I would add an inordinate respect for elders, an aversion to planning, a tough resistance to pain, a refusal to apologise or recognise faults, a love-hate relationship with leaders, and an in-born animus to take charge.
- author's comments

Stalin purged the intellectuals too. Of the 27-man Azeri delegation to the First Congress or Turcology ... only one died a natural death.

I found this book to be a fascinating review of the larger body of Turkic people and their history.

Glossary

± jihad: meaning holy struggle in Arabic, covers everything from studying hard for exams to outright war against the infidel.
- as defined by the author

§ imam: Islamic mosque leader

* secularism: separation of government from religion

Who are you?

Yesterday in class we were talking about time management. Part of that included a discussion around personality types. For example, if you know you are the type of person who works best in the afternoon, you should save your complex tasks to the afternoon.

It got me thinking about my personality type in regards to other things. I know well that my brain functions best, in terms of inspiration, from 1am to 8am. I find that I have some quite lucid and thought provoking moments especially just after I've woken. If there was some mechanism for brain dumping that didn't involve typing or talking to a computer you would be hearing a lot more from me. Perhaps that's a good thing (that I can't). By the time I've completely woken, showered, shitted, and shaved however the idea is either lost or my usual apathy towards knuckling down and typing has surfaced.

Today is an exception. I knew today would be a free day and I guess that was part of the motivation to get up and do something. Even though I went to bed at 3am I got up around 8am and headed off to Bambi Cafe for my 5 lira breakfast.

2 slices of luncheon, 2 slices of cheese, 2 large baguettes with honey and "Beyaz" (white) cheese, one orange juice and one tea later I now find myself in another favourite haunt - Simit Salonu. Essentially it's a çay bahçesi or tea house. They serve lots of bread treats and sweets too. All of which the Turks love. Upstairs you can usually find some peace and quite to contemplate the mysteries of life or, as I do, study Turkish.

Being someone who is easily bored I find combining food/drink outings with study a relaxing way to pass the time.

And so this morning I was thinking about my personality type. I am the kind of person who likes to know how things work. As a youngster in my father's workshop (he was a watchmaker) this wasn't such a good thing.

Whilst I wouldn't like to call myself accident prone I think it's probably a fair statement looking back. I would often bump into the inner workings of a grandfather clock precariously perched upon a trestle. Which of course would incite the wrath of my father. I became very afraid of certain parts of his shop after a while. And like the analogy of "Don't think about pink elephants" the harder I tried to avoid these danger zones the more I found myself gravitating towards them.

I carry a legacy with me to this very day whereby I prefer to use plastic cups and plates rather than ones which have the potential to be broken. Incidentally this has the flip-side effect of giving me pleasure when I do use some nice tableware - particularly well crafted wine glasses - which isn't as often as I might like.

As well as pondering the inner mysteries and workings of various objects I came to appreciate efficiency. This is most apparent in a workplace. I'm an expert at logistics and processes. It's not hard for me to identify an inefficiency and discover an improvement.

Whist on the face of it, this sounds all fine-and-dandy in reality it naturally only works where I have control over things. In places where I cannot easily influence a situation I often find myself at loggerheads with management. It often involves arguements over one person's logic versus another's which of course has it's own inherent difficulties.

This is further complicated by another personality trait. I don't like to lose. I can bang my head against a brick wall for an extremely long time before I admit defeat. This works with past mistakes too. I'll repeat them indefinitely in the vain hope that this time it will work - "Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result".

Then you get the scenarios where I have no influence whatsoever. Of course these are easier to deal with because I simply move on knowing there is nothing I can do.

Another downside implied in the view that "Things are there to be improved" is the idea that there is something wrong to start with.

When I first came to Istanbul, I found myself trying to walk quickly through masses of people and becoming frustrated with the impossibility of it. No matter how cleverly I twisted, turned, and looked ahead to find the best path, I would ultimately be thwarted in my endeavours.

Thus I tried to adopt what could best be called the "Mediterranean" pace of life. This works wonders in summer. It's basically compulsory unless you want to be bathed in sweat. However, over time, I've noticed that I have returned back to my pace of old.

It's funny really. I rush about outside with purpose and then rush back home so as to not to have wasted any time. And then I busily do nothing at home and complain of being bored!

I can hear phrases like, "Stop and smell the roses", "Savour the moment", and "Live in the present" wafting into my consciousness. Alas, for me, they are not so easily done. However I can say I'm much better now than I used to be.

..

On Tuesday last I meet with my Turkish friends who have a long standing tradition of meeting to practice their English. It's a diverse bunch and sometimes the conversation is a bit wayward. Having said that, they have so far managed to ask me about my sex life in Istanbul and also why the heck am I growing a funny looking goatie. I found the latter more disconcerting than the former!

On our latest agenda was the topic of blogging and Mürsel, who organises the group, sent us some information about blogging to earn money which was quite interesting, if not ultimately rather complex.

But the good thing is that it's got me out here writing more than two cents and also writing from myself. I don't know about you but whilst I find Facebook reposts very inspirational, cute, funny, etc they tell me very little about what's going on with the person behind the post. Sure you can see if they post something funny it usually means they are happy themselves but I find something lacking.

I'm often tempted to post asking people to write something in their own words for a change. In fact, I'd actually challenge them to do it, because I suspect many would find this very difficult.

My teacher teacher (he taught me how to teach) Pete is very good at this. He writes simple little pearls about his life and what he's doing. They are brief, concise, and usually humorous.

..

Back to Mürsel for a second - she has this notion that I'm going to blog about "Experiences in Istanbul". I told her I'd heard of this idea of putting a hidden camera in ones glasses to allow other to observe your life as if they were there. I'd love to do it, but interestingly found out at our last meeting that it would be impossible in Turkey due to laws about filming other people without their permission. I guess this applies to all countries although I'd never heard of it before. Do you think people who do documentaries ask everyone for their permission first? It defeats the purpose of creating a real-life doco doesn't it?

She took my discussion of the idea a little too seriously, thinking that I was actually going to do it and being a journalist who wants to create her own successful blog she's gotten all enthusiastic about "mine". Ugh. :)

..

Speaking of challenges - one of my inspirations has been to create a website with weekly challenges on it. The idea is to challenge people to do those things they say they'll do "if" or "when". The ulterior motive is that I can hardly espouse to others the benefits of action versus none without being a champion of it myself.

Like most people, I assume, I have a long list of "I wish…". Top of the list, and I've repeatedly said this to people with zero action, is to have a motorcycle. Ridiculously I have 2 motorcycle licences and yet have never owned one.

As with riding a bicycle it has the feeling of freedom, the wind rushing into your face, together with the exciting side to side sway as you corner. When I hop onto either mode of transport I'm transported (lol) into a world of possibility. Simply being able to travel so much further than by foot opens up a new world of opportunities. Travelling in a box with 4 wheels just isn't the same.

And so I'm quietly working away on yet another project. Whether it comes to fruition is yet to be seen and in my mind I have grand plans for it, but without some outside expertise I fear it will RIP or at the very most be something I do for 2 weeks and then when there is no feedback or uptake be disillusioned and give up.

Having high expectations is a b….

..

A text message! Hallelujah! A real live human friend!

IToTKo

Preamble

I have an ongoing project that involves putting my own English as a Second Language (ESL) teacher tools together on a blog site.

I was about to tackle conditionals^g when I decided I didn't have the mental energy and instead started this enquiry into the idiom^g

It takes one to know one

For some time I've been pondering this idiom and been amazed at how appropriate and relevant it is even though I haven't used it or heard it used since I was a child.

My 2 cents^g

-

Meaning

The person who expressed criticism has similar faults to the person being criticized¹. For example:

John: “You're a terrible cook!”

Jane: “It takes one to know one!”

Jane is implying that John is also a terrible cook.

Origin

Despite trying various meta-search engines^g there seems to be very little information on the Web alluding to the origin of this idiom.

The best link I could find quoted the following:

“This classic retort to an insult dates from the early 1900s. … First recorded in 1665, it remains current.” ¹

Comments on the Web

It's hardly surprising that I'm not the first person to contemplate this idiom and it's remaining as relevant today as when it was first coined^g.

To read what other people have to say check out these links:

http://muley84.hubpages.com/hub/It-Takes-One-To-Know-One

http://kstrump.blogspot.com/2010/07/it-takes-one-to-know-one.html

Glossary

2 cents |tuː sɛnts| idiom

Used to preface the tentative stating of one’s opinion.

coin |kɔɪn| verb

To invent or devise (a new word or phrase).

conditional |kənˈdɪʃ(ə)n(ə)l| grammar

Grammar (of a clause, phrase, conjunction, or verb form) expressing a condition. Common structure: if <condition> (then) <action>

idiom |ˈɪdɪəm| noun

A group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words.

meta-search engine noun

meta |ˈmɛtə|

Metasearch engines enable users to enter search criteria once and access several search engines simultaneously.

Word definitions have been stolen from the New Oxford American Dictionary, wikipedia.org and Webster's 1913 Revised Unabridged Dictionary.

Bibliography

1 The American Heritage® Dictionary of Idioms by Christine Ammer. Copyright © 2003, 1997 by The Christine Ammer 1992 Trust. Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.