Friday, December 28, 2012

I Miss My Mum

I can be in a reflective mood at the best of times, but even more so around New Year's.

Whilst I feel that Christmas is a time for children, New Year's is a time for old friends.

I remember a Hogmanay in Edinburgh with my Ultimate friends and the thing that struck me most was the long friendships they'd had together. When the bell tolled and everyone was hugging and kissing I sensed a feeling of knowing in their expressions - knowing about each other's histories - having been through the good times and the not so good times together - holding their hand and celebrating the good times.

When I saw their expressions it made me feel sad to not have someone there that I'd shared a multitude of experiences with. Amongst the people at that particular Hogmanay the longest relationship I had was less than one year. 

Even when I look at all the relationships in my life, apart from my relatives who I rarely see (although they are great at keeping in contact online), the longest relationship I have is with my "sister". I say sister in quotes because she isn't my sister, but we have such a strong bond that it's an easy way of explaining the relationship. We've known each other since the late 1980's. So that's some 20-odd years approximately. Not so long when you realise it's less than half my age, but on the other hand it's not 2 years either.

However, it pales into comparison with the 45 years my mother would have known me had she still been alive today.

We went through a huge number of phases mum and I. When I was younger I spent most of my time with her - she effectively raised me. Then when I got to the turbulent teens a huge rift appeared between us - most likely due to my parents separating. 

Over the following years we sometimes got closer again and sometimes moved apart again. It was a very emotional roller coaster ride for both of us, especially as we are inherently emotional people.

When I moved overseas we became very close. At many stages of my time in England and Scotland we were emailing each other every day. It was predominantly due to me sharing my travelling experiences and she, like some of my other readers, enjoyed living vicariously through me.

When I returned to New Zealand it was a mixed bag. 

It's funny how with some people I'm best with when I contact them by email, whilst others it's by phone, or in person. I've found that just because I have a great email relationship with someone doesn't mean that I'm great with them face-to-face and vice versa.

In a nutshell the last few years for mum were probably the hardest. She went through a divorce, a period of six months in a care home almost isolated from the world, to a long drawn out period lacking enthusiasm and the ability to fight that she had been so famous for during most of her life. She was an inspiration to others with her battling attitude towards her various illnesses and her hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

Anyway, for me I miss her. I miss being able to share everything with her. She was always ready to receive whatever I sent her way.

That was one of the best things in the latter years we had together. She moved from telling me what to do to simply listening to me. Part of her time had been working as a volunteer telephone helpline worker and I think it was the training she received there that enhanced her ability to be an active listener.

At best I think that most people are poor listeners. Very few are active listeners, let alone good active listeners. It's a very specialised skill.

There's many a time when I see something, hear something, or do something and I think 


I wish mum was here to enjoy this




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